


(Our story’s) After the end

by nofeartina



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: 1 year anniversary fic, 5+1, Bipolar Disorder, Even is Jonas' older brother, Fluff and Smut, Isak is out, M/M, Pining, Sibling's best friend AU, Sonja is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2018-02-27
Packaged: 2019-03-24 17:36:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13816116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofeartina/pseuds/nofeartina
Summary: Even’s life is good. He’s happy.He has Sonja, he has his gang of loud, obnoxious, wonderful friends, and he’s busy with his third year at Bakka.Everything is going so well right now. Why mess it up?But sometimes, Isak does something that makes it very hard for Even not to notice him.Orthe 5 times Even tries not to see Isak as more than Jonas’ best friend and 1 time it’s impossible not to.





	(Our story’s) After the end

**Author's Note:**

> This officially marks my 1 year anniversary in this fandom as I posted “Chilling at home” exactly one year ago. I can’t believe it’s been a year? Honestly, I’ve met so many good people here and you’ve all made me feel at home and happy here. :)
> 
> Thank you so much for this first year, my friends! <3
> 
> Massive thank you’s to Kit and Immy for betaing, and for my girl Maugurt for helping me with some tricky parts. And to the loveliest of lovely gc’s for hearing me whine my way through writing this… ;)
> 
> Without further ado, here is my gift to you for making me feel so loved in this fandom. I hope you enjoy!! <3 <3 <3

1 - February:

Even shuts the car door behind him and stands at the curb for longer than he should. The house in front of him is brimming with teenagers, some are making out in the garden out front even though it’s freezing, one is throwing up in one of the bushes and the music is spilling from the house, some sort of inane tune with plenty of bass that no one is really paying attention to anyway.

Even really doesn’t want to go inside. He’d rather be back in Sonja’s bed, getting her undressed, just like he was in the middle of doing when Jonas called him. But really, he’d had no choice. When your little brother calls you at one in the morning, completely shitfaced, asking you to come pick him up, you have to go.

So Even sighs, puts his hands in the pockets of his jacket and crosses the street to the house.

Inside, it’s even more chaotic. There are people _everywhere_ and the lights are dimmed enough that Even almost can’t see a thing, and not for the first time he curses that Jonas isn’t as tall as him, making it easier to spot him in a crowd like this.

He’s slowly going from room to room, sticking his head in and scanning the room as efficiently as possible. When he gets to the third room, which is apparently the living room, he’s close to giving up, but then he sees someone who looks a lot like Isak standing at one of the windows. Isak is Jonas’ best friend, so surely he must have a clue as to where Jonas is. Even reluctantly steps into the room, making his way through the crowd, trying not to step on anything or anyone.

He doesn’t look too closely at Isak until he’s almost standing next to him, so he has a definite excuse as to why he didn’t notice before, but Isak is hooking up. Has his tongue down someone’s throat from the look of it, is bending over whoever is sitting on the window sill and it makes Even swallow hard.

When did Isak get so tall? When did he start making out with girls at parties?

It’s not until Isak pulls back a bit to put his hand on whoever he’s kissing’s thigh that Even notices. It’s not a girl. It’s a guy.

And for some reason that makes Even flush, makes him hesitant to go the last few steps to Isak because Even didn’t _know_. It’s like he’s looking at Isak in a completely new light. Everything about this is some kind of revelation and Even is so fucking confused about his own reactions to this.

He must alert Isak to his presence in some way because he suddenly turns his head and looks right at Even.

Isak’s eyes go wide and Even can’t look away from the O-shape his mouth makes in surprise.

“Even?” Isak asks and takes a small step away from the guy he’s kissing, wipes at his mouth with his sleeve... and Even can’t. Isak’s lips are puffy and red from kissing, his pupils are blown and it’s almost impossible for Even not to look down to see what will surely be a bulge in his pants.

He can’t look. He just _can’t_.

So he clears his throat, glances at the guy in the windowsill who looks wrecked and confused as to why Isak stepped away, and then he leans in to ask, “Do you know where Jonas is?”

Isak is leaning into him as well, has turned his head so his ear is closer to Even’s mouth and Even can’t look away from the small curls sticking out of the snapback on his head.

Fuck. He needs to get a grip on himself. Needs to stop noticing all these details. This is _Isak_ , for God’s sake.

Isak leans back to roll his eyes and smile that fond smile he always wears when talking about Jonas.

“He’s so drunk, you wouldn’t believe! I left him in a bedroom to sleep it off,” Isak shouts over the music.

Even manages to explain why he’s there and Isak just grabs his arm and leads him through the crowd, leaves the poor guy behind in the windowsill without a second thought. When they get to the hallway where the music is just a tad lower Even can’t help but ask about it.

“What about the guy?”

Isak lets go of his arm and Even feels cold where his hand had been.

“What guy?” Isak asks like he’s genuinely confused. Like he can’t remember the dude he just had his tongue in a few seconds ago.

Even raises his eyebrows and points back to where they just came from. Isak frowns and follows the direction of Even’s finger and then he flushes slightly, looks down with a small smile playing on his lips, and Even desperately wants to touch it. He has to fist his hands to keep himself from reaching up, but Isak looks fucking delectable like this.

What the fuck is going on?

“Oh, he’s just some guy,” he says and waves his hand like it’s nothing and then he turns around to walk down the hallway towards the bedroom.

Even just follows, tongue-tied and so goddamn confused.

“Jonas?” Isak says in a low tone as he knows softly on a door. There’s no answer, but he opens it anyway and there Jonas is. Lying on his back, snoring like hell and even from where Even is standing he can smell the alcohol.

“Jesus,” Even exclaims, already wondering how he’s supposed to get Jonas home.

“Yeah,” Isak says walking into the room. He tries to gently shake Jonas awake. “He must have called you just before passing out.”

Great. Fucking excellent.

Isak must see it on his face, must see his annoyance, because he stands up and looks at Even. “I’ll help you get him home.”

Even tries to ignore how happy he is to hear that and instead asks, “But what about the guy?”

Isak just shrugs, like it’s no big deal, which it seems like it really isn’t and all of a sudden Even has even more questions. Like does he do this all the time, and is that why he’s so nonchalant about it?

But instead of acting like the weirdo he feels like, he keeps his questions to himself and starts to help Isak get Jonas off the bed instead.

Together they manage to drag Jonas out of the bedroom, through the house and Isak helps drape him across the backseat of their parents’ car.

Isak gets in the front seat next to Even and he immediately starts talking.

“Do you borrow the car often?” he asks.

Even shrugs as he checks his mirrors and starts to drive away from the house. “As often as I can. But mostly if I’m doing something with Sonja.”

Isak glances at him at the mention of Sonja and Even reluctantly keeps his eyes on the road, curious as to what Isak’s face might be showing.

“Sonja,” Isak repeats like he’s tasting the name in his mouth. “Are you still with her?”

Even nods and tightens the grip on the steering wheel. He can feel how Isak is looking at him and he fights the urge to look back.

“I can never figure out when you’re on a break and when you’re not,” Isak says, like he’s teasing, like he’s trying to get a reaction out of Even.

“Are you staying over or do you want me to drive you home after?” he asks to change the topic. He doesn’t want to talk about Sonja anymore.

“Would you mind driving me home?” Isak asks and this time Even turns his head to see him.

“I don’t mind,” Even says. He tries to ignore how much he wants to keep Isak sitting there next to him looking pretty and happy, tries to stop thinking about Isak as pretty.

Isak keeps talking the entire ride home and Even doesn’t mind. He doesn’t contribute to the conversation much, is too focused on driving and lost in his head, but Isak just fills the car with his voice. Normally Even would tell him to shut up, because that’s the kind of relationship they’ve had up until now, but for some reason Even doesn’t. He kind of likes hearing Isak’s voice.

Once they pull up to their house, they very quietly and stealthily drop Jonas off in his room and then in a matter of minutes they’re back in the car.

As Isak puts on his seatbelt he says, “You don’t need to drive me all the way home.”

It makes Even makes him turn his head to look at Isak with his hand on the key in the ignition. “Oh?”

“Yeah,” Isak says and makes a hand movement that Even isn’t sure he understands. “You can drop me off a few blocks down.”

Even keeps looking at Isak for a few moments longer than he should, but Isak just stares out the window, making it clear that he’s not going to tell Even anything about why that is. Even doesn’t want to intrude, but he’s filled with even more questions now. Can barely hold them in, even if he really should.

This is Isak. His little brother’s best friend. He’s what, 15 or 16 years old? Even’s always seen him as the kid Jonas hangs out with, but suddenly Even feels something shifting in him. He’s realizing that Isak isn’t a kid anymore. It’s making him feel off, like he’s out of balance. So to shake himself out of it, he turns on the car and concentrates on driving instead.

This time it’s quiet the entire drive there. It’s a massive contrast to when Jonas was in the car too where Isak wouldn’t stop talking.

Even is acutely aware of Isak sitting next to him. How much space he takes up in the seat next to him. He’s used to driving with Sonja and she’s tiny compared to Isak.

Even tries to shake this unease off, he’s way too focused on Isak. He shouldn’t be, Isak is totally out of bounds. It’s making Even drive a bit faster than he would normally, just to be able to get Isak out of the car, so he can stop feeling this confused.

He doesn’t like it. And he really doesn’t like the fact that it’s Isak of all people who are throwing him off.

When they get there, he parks by the curb but doesn’t turn off the car. Isak takes off his seatbelt slowly like he’s reluctant to get out and then he turns to Even.

Even can feel his eyes burn a hole on his profile but he’s reluctant to look back for some reason. Is maybe afraid of his resolve crumbling if he actually finds out in what way Isak is looking at him.

He can hear Isak sigh and that finally makes him turn his head. Isak’s eyes are half-lidded, his mouth is a little open and he looks at Even like he wants to eat him. Even swallows hard at the dryness in his mouth that look induces. It shouldn’t affect him, but it _does_. He can feel his heart start to beat faster and his eyes drop to look at Isak’s mouth, which curls into a small, devious smile as they do.

“Goodnight, Even,” he says, still with that small smile curving his lips.

Even clears his throat, feels so stupidly overwhelmed by this new side of Isak that he hardly has time to say it back before Isak has closed the car door behind him and saunters off down the street. Even follows his movements in the side-view mirror for longer than he should. Feels overwhelmed and stupid.

What the fuck just happened here?

 

 

2 - April:

It’s not like that night didn’t make Even think. It did. It shook him in a way he’s never been before.

See. Isak has always just been the cute little boy that hung around Jonas at all times. Ever since they all moved in together, ever since Even’s dad and Jonas’ mom got married 10 years ago, he’s just always been around. Isak and Jonas have always been in the same class and are even starting at Nissen together after the summer.

Although Even started feeling and acting like Jonas’ big brother early on, he’s honestly never paid Isak much attention. He’s just always been there, and sure he was cute with that squishy nose that Even used to tease him about and that cupid’s bow and that blond hair. But it never made Even pause. Before.

Now Even sees. He’s starting to notice when Isak is over, hears his voice through the walls, sees his jacket and shoes in the hallway when he gets home.

But it’s not like he does anything about it. It’s not just the fact that he can’t, it’s also the fact that he doesn’t want to. His life is good. He’s happy.

He has Sonja, he has his gang of loud, obnoxious, wonderful friends, and he’s busy with his third year at Bakka. He doesn’t have the time or the will to rock the boat.

Everything is going so well right now. Why mess it up?

So time passes without Even doing anything but look. Because he can’t really stop himself from doing that. Although he tries not to show Isak that he is.

But sometimes Isak does something that makes it very hard for Even not to give himself away.

\--||--

It’s early Saturday morning. Even would normally be sleeping, but he’s had trouble with that lately and he has so much energy in his body that he’s decided to pack a lunch and drive to the beach to draw.

It’s the middle of April. The sun is really starting to take over and soon all the spring flowers will burst into bloom and the way everything is just seething with this underlying energy, just like him, makes him itch to start drawing it.

So that’s his plan for today. To go to the beach and draw.

He’s sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal much too quickly, eager to get a move on, when Isak comes into the kitchen.

He moves to the refrigerator wearing only low-slung sweatpants, so low that Even can see _everything_ , every defined ab and those shoulders, even the treasure trail leading down into the pants, making him wonder if Isak even has underwear on, and he’s scratching his belly while yawning.

He’s clearly just woken up, hair a mess on top of his head, and he looks so fucking good that Even stops eating.

When did Isak become so fit?

It’s obvious that Isak hasn’t seen him yet, opens the fridge and thereby turns his back on Even who now has a clear view of the dimples just above the swell of Isak’s ass and Even is frozen to the spot.

He can’t tear his eyes away from the sight, just sits there in silence, looking at Isak like he’s never seen anything quite that good before, which wouldn’t be that far from the truth, and he watches him pull out a milk carton, open it and start to drink straight from it.

Even watches his adam’s apple bob as he slowly turns around, and it’s making his throat dry and his groin feel tight, and Isak continues turning until his eyes finally land on Even. The second they do he sputters in surprise, which is a remarkably bad idea as he’s still drinking from the milk carton, and then there’s milk _everywhere_. Dripping down his mouth, down his chin, down his chest, making the light grey sweatpants turn dark at the front with it.

“Shit,” Isak says, puts the carton down and scrambles to find some tissues to wipe himself off with.

And Even just sits there, like an idiot, staring. Watching each drop of milk run down his chest, over those abs, down into the tuft of hair there and fuck. He’s almost stopped breathing, mouth open, eyes wide and he just can’t tear his eyes away.

He can’t get up from the table now to go help. There’s just no way. His pants are definitely bulging now, that milk looks like something else, and why is that where his mind takes him?

Isak is dripping with it, skin raised with goosebumps from the coldness of it and it makes Isak’s nipples hard and Even swallows hard. He’s already rock hard in his pants and he’s pretty sure that that sight of Isak covered in… milk will stay on his mind for a long, long time.

He clears his throat, has to do something, has to say something to make this seem less creepy, so he says, “The tissues are on the counter,” and points to them like an idiot because Isak is there so often that he _knows_ where the tissues are.

He closes his eyes to his own stupidity and prays that he comes off cooler than he feels and when he opens them it’s to see a distracted Isak wiping himself off muttering _thanks_. And while Even was pretty sure that it couldn’t get any worse than seeing Isak covered in milk like that, he was wrong. Because seeing Isak try to wipe himself off, seeing all that muscle contract and how he’s pulling his pants even further down to catch it all? Yeah. That’s actually worse (better).

“I have to go,” Even blurts out, stands up and makes himself tear his eyes away from Isak so he doesn’t bump into something on the way out and he’s never exited his house quite so fast before. It’s not until he’s in the car, keys in the ignition that he realizes that he didn’t get to finish his breakfast or put it away, that the bowl is just standing there, half full on the table along with his still warm coffee.

But there’s no turning back now, he already looks like a complete moron for running out like that, he just can’t go back in there. So he turns the key and drives off.

When he finally gets to the beach, he gets out and takes a deep breath of all that fresh, salty air. He feels his mind settle for the first time in a while, and he walks down the beach until he finds a good place to sit.

He immediately starts drawing feeling more inspired than he has in a long time, but this time it’s not the waves or the sand or the dunes that make it into his notebook. This time it’s milk dripping down a body, white stripes leading the way down.

But it’s alright. No one will ever know but Even, so he lets himself indulge and draws it exactly as he remembers it.

 

 

3 – August:  

It’s the middle of August, almost the end of the summer holidays and Even is melting.

It’s one of those almost impossibly hot Oslo summers where for a short period of time everything gets so hot and Even just wants to sit in the shade and suffer. He’s not good with heat.

He’s had a stupid summer so far. The week he spent in a summer house with Sonja was horrible, they were constantly nagging at each other, small fights breaking out everywhere and to top it off it had been raining most of the time.

He was glad to go home when the week was over, and he hasn’t really seen Sonja that much since. He knows there are things he should do about that, thoughts to think and sort through like maybe they’re not good for each other anymore. But he’s running from them. Spends the summer ignoring how much they need to talk, and it seems Sonja is doing the same.

His squad has been busy with their own things, traveling with their families. Even is so fucking bored he almost can’t stand it.

He’s read a couple of books, watched some movies, but by now he just wants the summer holiday to be over, so he can go back to school, just so he has something to do, and isn’t that a horrible thought.

He sighs, pushes at his sunglasses so they stay up, annoyed at how they keep sliding down his sweaty nose. He’s lying on a sun chair in the shade trying to focus on his book instead of Isak and Jonas playing football in just their underwear across the lawn.

He’s pretty happy to be wearing sunglasses right now.

He’s having a hard time looking away from Isak. It’s like he’s looking better for each passing day. He shouldn’t even look this good. His boxer briefs are old and clearly worn out, greyish like they’ve been washed too many times. But he still somehow manages to pull it off. It’s hard focusing on his ugly briefs when there’s so much skin showing. Even’s eyes can’t seem to rest on one place, fits between Isak’s muscular thighs, his chest, his fucking shoulders and arms, and oh god, those abs, that keeps clenching every time he kicks after the ball.

It’s making breathing hard for Even.

And don’t even get him started on Isak’s ass. Those goddamn briefs shouldn’t make Even want but they _do_. It just looks so perfect in them. All round and high and just a really good size and Even desperately wants to put his hands on it.

They take a break to drink some water and Even makes a conscious decision to look away, to take a sip of his own water, but he can’t help looking up when he hears a shriek.

“Fucking hell, Jonas!” Isak shouts in a high pitch and when Even looks up he understands why. Jonas just poured some of the cold water from his bottle over Isak, and soon they’ve started a water fight, drenching each other with cold water.

And Even is mesmerized, can’t stop staring. Because as those grey, washed out briefs are getting wet they just put _everything_ on display. Every centimeter of Isak stands out stark against the fabric and Even’s mouth dries up in seconds and he tries to swallow through it.

Fuck. _Fuck_.  

He should look away, he should concentrate on his book, he should stop getting hard. He can’t believe himself. He really shouldn’t be looking at this. This is Isak, he shouldn’t be this attractive. But he _is_.

And as he watches Isak and Jonas play around with water, turning a completely innocent situation into something quite sexual in his mind, Even realizes that he has a problem. That Isak is turning into a problem.

That realization makes him close up his book and finally drag himself out of the sunchair to go inside. Anywhere where he can’t see Isak.

He spends the rest of the day suffering inside his room, trying to ignore the happy laughter and squeals coming from the garden, closing his eyes to how this just adds to the mess that is his relationship with Sonja.

He just needs to get a grip. Just needs to ignore Isak as much as he can. He’s sure that a little distance will make this stupid attraction go away.

 

 

4 – November:

Even is actually quite successful at ignoring Isak for the next couple of months. He’s back at school, has settled back into his relationship with Sonja after that horrible summer and everything is alright again.

He’s been at her place all night. He’s had a great time, it’s just really felt like _them_ again, and he’s just coming back when he hears it.

He’s walking through the house trying to be quiet. It’s dark in the house, everybody has already gone to bed or at least he thinks so. He hears sounds from the guest room and sees light peek out from under the door which is slightly ajar. When he concentrates on it he hears sniffling from inside.

He’s curious and can’t figure out who could be crying in their guest room. It makes him pause in front of it for a few long seconds before he gently knocks on it. The knock pushes the door a little bit more open and he can finally look inside.

It’s Isak. Sitting on the bed, frantically wiping at tears running down his cheeks.

Even immediately takes a step into the room. He couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to. He has so many questions, but instead of bombarding Isak with them, he asks, “Isak?”

Isak sniffles, wiping at the tears that just keep running from his eyes and Even takes another step closer to him. Isak has barely acknowledged him, hides his face and tears by looking away from Even, and it’s so unusual for Isak to hide himself away like this from Even.

“What’s going on?” Even asks, voice full of concern.

Isak shrugs, glances quickly at Even and Even almost stops breathing from it. Seeing Isak like this makes his heart feel too small, makes him want to go to him and put his arms around him. Just make him feel better and safe and happy again.

“Okay,” Even says, takes a deep breath and another step closer. His mind is working a mile a minute trying to figure out what he could say to Isak when Isak so clearly doesn’t want to talk about it, but he’s drawing a complete blank. “Can I sit down?” he ends up asking, just to say something and he’s relieved when Isak nods.

Even sits down next to Isak on the bed, making sure that there’s enough distance between them that Isak won’t be uncomfortable and he spends a few moments just looking at the room.

“I can’t remember the last time I was in here,” he says to break the silence. Anything to drown those sniffling noises from Isak that are clearly making Isak uncomfortable.

When he glances at him Isak is looking back and then Even just starts talking.

“I used to love sleeping in here, you know? I would build these blanket forts over the bed with Jonas and we would sleep in them, playing we were somewhere else. And you know how afraid Jonas was of the dark, but somehow he wasn’t when we were sleeping in there together, even though it was darker there than it was in his bed.”

He’s just about to keep talking when he’s interrupted.

“I remember that,” Isak says with a low wobbly voice. “It’s actually one of the first things I remember about you.”

Even raises his eyebrows and smiles playfully, still trying to make Isak forget. “You remember how awesome I was at building blanket forts?”

Isak nods, but his eyes stray away from Even again, and somehow getting those eyes back on him is starting to feel imperative to Even. “You kept promising to make one for us so we could sleep in there together, but you never did.”

Even is taken back. “You remember that?”

“Yeah, are you kidding me? We were so excited for it!” Isak says, and this time he’s much more animated when he talks. Even can’t help but smile.

It’s almost impossible for him to look away from Isak now that he’s looking at him. His eyes are red and puffy, still too wet and he looks so vulnerable. He’s beautiful. Not just pretty to look at. But beautiful. It makes Even swallow hard, makes his smile die down a bit. Even has this urge to just put his arms around him, to just hold him tightly, to make him laugh.

And out of all those options, only one is really acceptable.

“Okay, then let’s make one.”

“What? Now?” Isak asks confused, but he’s laughing a bit and Even feels on top of the world from making that happen. Isak looks at the clock and continues, “It’s 1 in the morning!”

Even is already up, already going to the closet to pull out the extra blankets he knows are in there and he doesn’t turn around as he says, “No time like the present.”

Thirty minutes later, they’re sitting under a perfect blanket fort on the bed, covered in darkness and warmth, and Isak is smiling next to him. Has even laughed a few times and Even’s heart has beaten faster every time because of it.

He’s really enjoying this. It’s good to spend time with Isak, to be the one to make him laugh. He indulges himself a bit, lets himself look at Isak, at his lips, at the way his hair curls over his ears. How fucking big Isak’s hands are.

But as the laughter and novelty die down he’s starting to realize that this might not have been such a good idea after all. They’re sitting much too close, on a bed, facing each other with their knees touching. Almost as soon as he notices this and his smile starts to falter, he can feel Isak noticing it as well.

The atmosphere under the blankets changes, turns tense and full of things unspoken between them and Even knows that he has to get away or he’s going to do something that he’s going to regret.

“I better go to bed,” he says but doesn’t move.

“Or….” Isak starts, and Even can’t decide if he really wants to hear the continuation of that, but he doesn’t move away. “You could stay here?” Isak’s voice is small, unsure, but the way he’s looking at Even makes it very clear what exactly he’s offering.

It’s killing Even that he has to say no. He has to. Isak is still so young, even though he doesn’t look it as much anymore. And Even has Sonja. He’s never cheated on her in his life, and he’s definitely not going to start now.

But he feels how his body rebels against him, feels how much he doesn’t want to go. Isak is close to irresistible the way he’s sitting there soft and open, a complete contrast to the more brazen Isak Even’s been seeing lately.

It would be so easy to give into it, to give Isak what he wants, but Even can’t mess everything up like this. He feels guilty for even wanting to, and in the end, it’s that feeling that makes it easier for him not to follow his desires.

He ignores what Isak is really saying by asking that, makes it seem like he doesn’t know and gets up to leave.

“Sorry, but it’s getting late and I’m really tired now.”

When he’s out in the hallway he turns and looks at Isak who’s peeking out at him through a small opening in the blanket fort. “Goodnight, Isak.”

“Goodnight, Even,” Isak says back, looking at him with dark eyes. Like he knows that Even is running.

Even is so fucked.

\--||--

The next day Even is studying in his room when he hears a knock on his door.

He looks up and is surprised to see Jonas standing there with a cup of coffee in his hands.

“You still like it black, right?” he asks and holds it out to Even like he’s actually made coffee for him.

Even takes it, but he’s frowning, looking between Jonas and the cup it might explode in his hands.

“What do you want?”

Jonas rolls his eyes at him. “Fuck off. Can’t I bring my brother a cup of coffee without wanting something?”

“No,” Even says and takes a sip of it. It’s perfect, just the right temperature and strength. It makes him even more suspicious.

Jonas shuffles his feet like he’s about to say something he really doesn’t want to say and it’s making Even’s curiosity win out over his suspiciousness.

“I just want to thank you,” Jonas starts and clears his throat and Even can’t remember the last time Jonas acted like this. “For what you did for Isak last night.”

Even frowns again, can feel how his forehead scrunches up and Jonas takes a step into his room so he can talk in a lower voice.

“He’s going through a rough time at the moment.” Jonas almost whispers, and now Even kind of wishes he had talked to Isak a bit more about what had him crying. He feels like an idiot for just trying to distract him.

“What’s going on? Is there something I can do?” Even asks and Jonas must see the sincerity on him because he smiles fondly at Even in a way he hasn’t in a long while.

“You did just the right thing. I think he actually slept last night.”

“Oh,” Even says, tries to figure out how to get Jonas to tell him more. He’s dying to learn what happened.

Jonas shuffles some more on his feet, always a tell that he’s trying to force out words and then he continues on his own volition.

“He’s… His dad left. And Isak’s mom had a meltdown, and it’s not fun for Isak being home at the moment. So I’ve let him sleep here a few nights. Just when it gets too much for him.”

Even looks at him, notices how much Jonas cares and it makes him feel warm. That Isak has someone who cares for him so.

“You’re a good friend,” he says and obviously catches Jonas by surprise with it.

“Thank you,” he says smilingly, looking down like he’s pleased but also a bit embarrassed by how pleased he is.

It makes Even smile as well.

“Thank _you_ ,” he says and gestures to the coffee making Jonas smile grow even more.

Jonas turns around to leave and Even finishes the coffee thinking about Isak.

Although he had told himself he shouldn’t. Not anymore.

 

 

5 – January:

Even is ready to kill Jonas. Fucking murder him in front of all his friends and feel good about it.

All this noise is making it impossible for Even to concentrate.

He understands that Jonas wants to throw a party when their parents are out of town. He remembers doing the exact same thing last year. But this year is his last year at Bakka and he’s already swamped with assignments. He hates to admit it, but he’s so fucking behind. It’s so hard for him to sit down and concentrate and he’s just getting so frustrated.

This doesn’t help.

He’s sitting on his bed with headphones on, trying to block out the noise of the party going on outside the door to his room, but all he manages to do is just to get too caught up in the music he’s listening to instead. He just can’t seem to concentrate.

He’s just about to say fuck it and call it a night, ready to throw his books across the room when a movement catches his eye. He watches the door start to open and he’s already opening his mouth to tell whoever is coming in to fuck off when Isak’s head peeks around the door. Isak’s mouth forms words that Even can’t hear, and he pulls his headphones off in a hurry.

“Sorry?” He gestures at the headphones, making Isak understand that he didn’t hear him.

“I was just asking if I could come in?”

And Even knows he should say no. Isak’s eyes are too wide, too innocent, and it’s making his hackles rise but he nods his consent anyway. He’s starting to find it hard to say no to Isak.

Isak smiles and when he’s inside he closes the door behind him, leaning against it with his hands behind his back. He looks at Even through his eyelashes and Even hates to admit it, but that look is doing things to him.

“So… What are you doing?” Isak’s words slur a bit.

He takes a step away from the door, sways as he does it, and once Even has started noticing it he can’t help but see how his cheeks are red and his eyelids droopy. He’s clearly drunk.

It makes Even sit up straighter in his bed, makes him suddenly feel too hot in his clothes. He knows that this isn’t good for his resolve because he has a very good idea of why Isak is in here in the first place.

He tries to play it cool, though, like he doesn’t _know_. “Just studying. It’s hard being a third year.” He smiles as he says it but makes sure he doesn’t smile too much.

Isak takes another step closer to him, still with that smirk on his face and those eyes burning a hole into Even. “Must be, since you’re studying on a Friday night.”

He’s by Even’s desk now, fiddling with a drawing that’s lying there. Somehow that feels more intimate to Even than anything he’s done so far.

“Are you escaping the party?” Even asks, trying to get Isak to stop, but unfortunately, that just makes Isak focus all his attention back to him.

He takes another step towards him, putting him much closer to Even now. He puts his hands into his pockets, pushing his hips out as he stretches the fabric there, and it draws Even’s eyes to his groin. Even forcibly has to divert his gaze back to Isak’s face. He’s met with an even bigger smirk, and Even shakingly realizes that Isak was doing that on purpose.

He’s being tested.

“I’ve always loved your drawings,” Isak says with a low voice, and it feels like more than a compliment. Before Even can think of something to say Isak continues. “Maybe you should draw me sometime?”

And Even needs to get off the bed, needs to get some kind of control back, because he’s much too affected by Isak as it is. Isak keeps licking his lips, drawing Even’s attention to them, and Even has such a thing for those lips. That cupid’s bow is just so perfect and the way they’re curled into a one-sided smile is almost too much for Even. He swallows hard, tries to look away from them, has to stop letting Isak get the upper hand like this.

“Maybe,” Even says and curses himself for not coming up with anything better than that. He should’ve just said no.

It makes Isak smile even more, makes him shift his body in such a way that makes Even realize just how much trouble he’s in. Isak clearly knows what he’s doing. And right now, he’s trying to seduce Even. When Isak takes another step towards him, less of a step now and more of a saunter, Even can’t help but shift back in his bed, just to make sure that the distance between them doesn’t grow any smaller. It makes Isak stop, makes him tilt his head to the side and look at him.

“You should come out and have a few drinks with us. Loosen up a bit,” and Even knows what he’s doing, knows that he can see that Even isn’t falling under his spell quite like he wanted him to, so this is his plan to make Even spend more time with him.

Even smiles and shakes his head. “I can’t, I have too much to do,” and it’s a good excuse. The best. It just doesn’t seem like Isak is buying it.

“You look like you need it,” he says and licks his lips and fuck. Even is so fucked, he’s getting affected by the way Isak is holding his body and the way he keeps drawing attention to his groin and his lips and the way his pupils are blown. He looks like someone who wants to fuck... and isn’t that just a perfect look on him.

Even desperately needs to get him out of his room. He starts to get up and says as he does, “I don’t. But don’t you think Jonas will start wondering where you are?”

“He doesn’t care, Even.” He steps real close to Even, much too close for comfort. Even is caught between him and the bed, has nowhere to go.

He can feel the heat emanating from Isak, can detect how fucking good he smells underneath all the alcohol and his skin looks so smooth and inviting from where Even is standing.

Even can feel his dick twitch in his pants, feel how his hands tingle to touch and it’s like he’s on full alert now. Completely aware of everything Isak does, every breath he takes. The way Isak is looking at him is pure sex and he’s just so gorgeous that Even almost can’t stand it. Almost can’t fight how he just wants to give in and take. He’s just about to say something, to let Isak know that he has to stop when Isak takes the last step towards him, and he’s now so close that they’re chest to chest.

It startles Even, makes him lose his balance and he falls back onto the bed. Isak follows him, climbs into his lap and Even’s hands grabs onto his hips completely on their own volition. Even feels powerless with how his body is reacting to Isak in his lap. It’s a perfect fit, the way he just settles there, slides his ass over Even’s now completely hard dick. The victorious sigh that escapes Isak makes Even feel dazed. Their lips are so close, Isak’s hovering over Even’s, making Even tilt his head a bit and he puts his hands on Even’s neck.

“Isak, please,“ Even finds himself whispering. He knows that Isak knows what he’s really asking. He’s not begging for more, he’s asking Isak to stop.

Isak looks at him with those eyes, licks his lips again, making Even follow the movement.

“But I’ve seen the way you look at me. I can feel how much you want it,” Isak says.

Even is a mess of feelings and guilt that he’s doing this to Sonja and that he’s not fighting Isak harder.

But Isak isn’t wrong.

Even just doesn’t want it like this. He’s afraid that if he gives into this then the aftermath will be too much to handle. There are so many reasons not to, so much mess to clean up if they were to do this now. Isak is Jonas best friend, and he’s clearly drunk. Even has a girlfriend, Sonja is at the forefront of his mind now, flooding him with guilt, even as Isak is grinding into him to prove his point, giving off this little whimper that makes the hair on Even’s body stand up, makes him want to throw Isak down on the bed and just take.

But it’s too much. He can’t.

Isak takes Even’s silence as a sign to continue and before Even can do anything he leans in to kiss him. His lips touch Even’s briefly and they’re so warm and wet and Even would love to indulge and just kiss him back, but instead, he pushes Isak off, much harder than he intended to, enough that Isak lands on his ass on the floor and looks at him with wide surprised eyes.

“No,” Even says and wipes at his lips with the back of his hand.

Isak looks so confused and Even can’t stand it. Words start falling out his mouth before he can even think about them.

“Fuck, Isak. I can’t. You’re drunk. And I just… And Sonja. And Jonas.”

He’s not making sense, but his thoughts are whirling in his head making it hard for him to get actual words out in a way that would, but the way Isak’s face changes makes him think that he might understand anyway.

He sits up on the floor, shuffles so he can stretch his legs out a bit and he looks up at Even.

“Okay,” he says and looks like he means it. He gets up from the floor but doesn’t take his eyes off Even while he does.

“I understand. I like Sonja too and I don’t want you to do anything you might regret,” he says and like he’s testing Even all over again he licks his lips and clearly notices when Even looks at them.

And Even is dying. Isak's face changes when Even doesn’t look away from him, like he senses how bad Even wants to give in. And now he looks determined instead. It’s making Even nervous, making Even feel all sorts of things, but mostly it’s making him feel like he wants Isak back on his lap, grinding into his still hard dick.

“I might be drunk, but I’m in here with you, Even,” he says. “I don’t want anybody out there.”

He doesn’t say _I only want you_ but Even hears it in the silence anyway.

“And this is because of _you_ ,” he says and puts his hand over the obvious bulge in his pants.

Even has to swallow down the sound that threatens to spill out of him, just barely manages to catch it, hopes that Isak can’t see how those words make his dick wet.

But he probably senses something, must be able to see the want on Even because he just continues.

“And maybe I’m going to think about you when I do something about it later.”

Even sits there like a complete idiot, doesn’t say anything back, just watches as Isak makes a salute with his hand on his forehead and turns around to leave the room. He’s walking to the door in a way that shows off his ass and the fucker knows that Even is watching. Clearly understands just what kind of effect he has on Even and Even almost can’t wait until Isak has closed the door behind him before he whips out his achingly hard dick and comes much too fast with the thought of how good Isak had fit in his lap.

Afterwards, he sits there, with a hand still around his dick, wet and sticky with cum, with wide eyes and feeling shell-shocked. He knows he’s in trouble, shouldn’t be this tempted when he’s in a relationship.

He knows that something has to give. He clearly hasn’t done as good a job of hiding his attraction as he thought he had and he’s afraid of how this might change things between him and Isak now.  Between him and Sonja. He’s not really being fair to either of them as it is.

But this has made him realize that he does want Isak. That there’s a real attraction between them.

As the cum starts to dry on his hand and his stomach his mind becomes clearer. Although there’s certainly attraction between them, he’s not sure what Isak is after, except to chase this chemistry between them.

The thoughts are whirling in his mind, making it even harder for him to concentrate.

He doesn’t get much sleep that night.

He wakes up the next morning feeling like shit, like he’d been to that party and has had too much to drink. Isn’t that just perfect? Feeling hungover without the benefits of actually being drunk. He lies in bed for longer than he should, trying to make himself get out to get some coffee and some food, in that order, and when he finally gets to the kitchen he curses himself for taking that long. Because Isak is sitting at the kitchen table with Jonas, who looks like shit, and Isak is looking at him like he knows what Even did yesterday. It’s making Even flush and he hates it.

“Good morning,” Isak says with that fucking smirk on his face... and yeah. That answers that question. Something has definitely changed between them, but right now Even can’t decide if it’s for the better or the worse.

He’ll just have to wait and see.

 

 

+1 – April:

Everything has turned to shit.

Even is lying in his bed, wondering if anything will ever feel normal again.

It all keeps playing in his mind, over and over. Just how completely and spectacularly he fucked up. He turns over with a groan, hoping that the movement will make his mind stop churning.

It doesn’t.

His life has fallen apart and it still feels like he’s looking at what’s left of it from the outside. Like he’s just a spectator to his life, someone watching a sad, horrible movie. This is the low of the movie, this is where something happens to the main character that moves him forward.

Except, in this case, nothing happens. Every day just plays out the same as the day before it. What a shitty movie. He wouldn’t pay to see it, that’s for sure.

He’s just stuck here, in his bed, in his room, in this house. Doesn’t have the energy to go outside, doesn’t have the strength to face what he did. Which means that his phone is lying useless on the table. He hasn’t checked it in a couple of days because there’s no reason to. They all stopped trying to get him to answer them a while ago. He’s not sure now how long it’s been, some of them took a long time before they gave up, and he appreciates it. He just couldn’t get himself to reply. He doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t feel like sorry would even begin to cut it.

It’s just easier to ignore them, to ignore everything.

And now he’s all alone.

And he feels it, feels it when everybody leaves every morning to go to work, when his dad throws him a glance like he’s worried but doesn’t know how to deal with Even when he’s like this. Even can totally relate.

He knows that he’s bringing everybody down. The atmosphere in the house is horrible and hard to live in. He knows it because everybody is walking on tiptoes around him and even Jonas looks at him like he can’t decide how to handle him. Even hates it. He hates how they treat him now. He hates how it makes him feel like that word is tattooed to his forehead, reminds them of his diagnosis every time they look at him. _Bipolar_.

Yeah, that’s new too. A very recent development even though it fits. It made their parents happy that he fit into some kind of box, that there was a plan for him now. He hasn’t asked them how they managed to pay for what he did, if they had the money or they had to take a loan to cover the costs. He knows he’ll have to act responsible about that at some point too, but right now he just can’t. Everything is just so much.

He knows he owes them, so he takes his medication, has even scheduled an appointment for therapy. He just hasn’t been yet. Can’t stand the idea of leaving the house and feels their disappointment in him grow day by day.

So this is how he spends his days. Has been ever since… he stops himself before his mind goes back to that again. He can’t stand thinking about it anymore.

Except, it’s all he ever thinks about. His mind is stuck in an endless loop of what happened, of what he’s running from. And although the days are slowly starting to seem brighter and his thoughts clearer, he’s not sure what to do about it.

He just can’t seem to shake himself from this funk he’s in.

He doesn’t know how many days pass like this. Probably too many to count. He sometimes manages to spend an entire day out of bed now, hangs around in his sweats without really doing anything. Just being useless and dragging everybody down with him.

He’s seen the way Isak looks at him now, even though he tries not to. He knows that he’s not worth shit, so he can’t understand how those eyes can still look at him like he is. Even doesn’t have the energy to look back. But he can’t deal with that at the moment, doesn’t want to see Isak or those eyes. It’s too much.

Until it seems that Isak won’t let him hide anymore.

One day, in the middle of the afternoon the doorbell rings.Much too early for someone to be home. It takes Even some time to collect himself to answer. He’s been lying in a spot of spring sun on the bed, warming him throughout. The idea of leaving that isn’t really alluring, but when he does, when he opens the door, Isak is standing outside. Looking just every bit as healthy and happy as he usually does.

It makes Even almost angry to see how the outside world stays the same when _everything_ in him is different.  

While Isak says _hello_ Even just blurts out, “Jonas isn’t here yet,” powerless against how his words make Isak’s cheeks redden.

It diffuses his anger a bit, makes him almost sorry for being so abrupt, especially when Isak looks at him like _that_. With something that looks like fondness.   

”I know,” he says and smiles when Even can’t hide his surprise. “I’m here for you.”

Even looks at him for a long time, so confused about why this pretty boy is even here, why he would want to spend time with him when he’s like _this_. In the end, he’s selfish enough to want Isak’s company.

He opens the door and steps to the side and Isak looks so happy about it as he slips past him to take off his boots and coat.

“Let’s watch a movie,” he says, “I know just what will cheer you up.”

He’s already on his way to the living room before Even can answer, not looking back. Even is almost overwhelmed with all the energy he brings into the house.

He closes the door behind him quietly, slowly, and joins him in the living room. Isak is already on the sofa, has turned on the television and is going through what looks like Netflix on his phone.

Even stands there, looking at him, hovering next to the sofa. It’s almost too much, too unexpected. He doesn’t know how to feel about this, how to act around Isak when he’s like this.

But Isak seems to either not notice his hesitance or maybe he’s just ignoring it because when a movie starts playing on the tv, he just looks up at Even and pats the seat beside him.

“It’ll be much more comfortable for you if you sit down as we watch this,” he says and is already looking at the screen. Like it’s that easy, like it’s no big deal.

So Even does. He sits down heavily on the couch, makes sure that there’s a good distance between him and Isak and then he focuses on the movie.

He doesn’t say anything when he notices that they’re watching _Transformers_ , doesn’t say anything about the horrible lines and the American flags and all the fucking plot holes in the script. He doesn’t have the energy to.

But he watches the movie all the way through and it’s not until Isak starts up the next, that he lies down on the couch. He barely bothers to take note of what Isak puts on before he’s falling asleep.

He wakes up sometime later when their parents come home with a blanket over him, the tv off, and Isak nowhere in sight. It’s almost enough to make him think that he dreamed it all up.

Except that it happens again a couple of days later. Isak shows up in the early afternoon, but this time he doesn’t ring the bell, just comes in like he normally does. Even hears the door open and walks in on Isak turning on the tv in the living room.

“Oh, good, there you are,” he says like it’s normal that he’s there. “Come sit down, I’m just about to start the movie.”

So Even does. He just sits down on the couch, sinks into it, and doesn’t even wince when _Transformers 2_ starts. Halfway through the movie, when he’s getting fed up with explosions and talking robots he finally can’t keep it in anymore.

“Are you going to make me watch all the Transformers movies?” he asks still looking at the screen. Can’t bear to see what kind of face that makes Isak pull.

But he can feel how he looks at him, senses how he shifts on the couch beside him.

“What? You don’t like it?” And he sounds playful and teasing and Even wishes he was in a place where he could do this. But he barely has enough energy to sit here as it is.

So he shrugs, keeps looking at the screen in order to avoid seeing how disappointed Isak must surely be from not getting a response from him.

But instead of an annoyed sigh, like his parents would give, or that flat way of saying _Even_ that Jonas does when he doesn’t respond, that holds so much meaning that Even feels like he’s suffocating, Isak does something completely different.

“Don’t worry, there’s still two more to go after this, and then we can move on to DC movies. We won’t run out of good movies anytime soon.”

Even finally looks at Isak as he’s done talking. He knows that he would normally object to this and he suspects that that’s what Isak wants him to do, but instead he just looks at him in wonder. He can’t understand how Isak doesn’t seem to push him to talk or explain. Isak just sits there with that small, contented smile on his face, like just being there is enough.

At least this is something he can do for Isak. He can stay there on the couch, next to him, not talking. That he has the energy for.

So he does.

And maybe he even sits a little closer to Isak the next time he comes over. Maybe.

\--||--

While Even is like this it’s hard to notice how time passes. He senses it in some ways, like how they days keep getting longer, how the birds are singing outside his window and the flowers and trees start to bloom. The colors change and the way the air smells changes too.

But Even doesn’t. Not really.

He keeps wearing his sweats every day, still doesn’t have much of an appetite and barely showers. His daily routine of taking his medication, moving from his bed to the couch to the bed again is sometimes interrupted by Isak who comes by to keep him company.

Even hasn’t noticed an order in his visits. They’re not regular or scheduled it seems, and that somehow makes them easier for Even. To know that not all things follow a schedule like he’s supposed to.

He still likes being alone, likes when their parents and Jonas has left for the day and the house is quiet. Likes that he doesn’t have to answer their hesitant questions about whether he’s ready for more, whether he wants to eat or shower or do something. Anything, it seems. Anything other than what he’s doing.

The answer is always no. He doesn’t want to do anything but what he’s doing.

With Isak he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t mind when he comes over and takes one look at him and orders him to shower because _you stink, Even!_ and when he comes out there are warm cheese toasties waiting for him. Which he eats. Not out of hunger, but for something else he can’t quite explain.

He doesn’t mind when Isak keeps making him watch horrible action movies that would normally make him cringe and rant, as long as Isak sits there next to him, steady, alive, breathing, not asking things of him. He doesn’t mind at all.

And that’s the thing. Right now it seems like Isak is the only thing in his life that doesn’t ask things off him. When Even doesn’t have the energy to talk, Isak just sits there at their table and does his homework. And Even can’t stop watching him.

Once or twice, he’s asked him why. “Why are you here, Isak?” and Isak looks at him with that fondness in his eyes that Even will never understand and he shrugs and says, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Like that explains it.

But Even doesn’t understand it. Doesn’t know how to feel about it. Doesn’t have the energy to work through it or think about how Isak’s presence there makes him feel warm in a way that he knows he’s felt before, but just can’t remember when.

And the thing is, he likes it. He likes how Isak makes him feel. Just a little bit more alive than he’s used to feeling.

\--||--

They’re sitting at the kitchen table eating cheese toasties once again when Even finally has the energy for more than just sitting there.

“Is this the only thing you know how to make?” he says and even smiles a bit to make Isak understand that he’s teasing him. The smile feels funny on his face, like the muscles that pull at his lips aren’t used to being worked. And that seems about right. He can’t really remember the last time he smiled.

Isak looks at him amazed, cheese toastie hanging in the air uselessly like he’s frozen there. His eyes are wide and happy and it makes Even’s smile widen a bit.

“Look at that, it smiles!” Isak says and manages to make Even huff out a laugh. It’s so goddamn rewarding to see how that makes Isak’s smile turn beaming, almost proud. It makes Even look down, too overwhelmed with that reaction to keep looking at Isak.

Isak continues like he doesn’t notice Even’s reaction. “I can make something else for you if you’re tired of cheese toasties?”

Even shrugs but looks at Isak as he does and manages to make the smile stay on his face.

“I don’t mind,” he says. And isn’t that the truth.

\--||--

Slowly, things are getting better for Even. He feels it when he gets out of bed, how it’s getting easier for each passing day, how he wants a shower. He feels his energy return enough that he’s starting to eat regularly and has even been out on a few short walks in the neighborhood recently.

It feels good.

It’s like that small, thin line between normal and fucked up is slowly getting easier to balance on.

He feels it in the atmosphere of the house, in how his dad looks at him a bit differently, how Jonas’ mom stops walking on eggshells around him and starts looking happy to see him again. Genuinely happy. He feels it in how Jonas comes into his room of his own volition again, plays the guitar with him and rants on about things that Even pretends to care about.

He feels it in how when Isak tries to put on _The Expendables_ and Even actually stops him.

“Please, for the love of everything good in life. Don’t make me watch that,” he says and Isak laughs at him and his eyes light up. Even has never seen anything look more beautiful in his life.

“Finally!” Isak says and laughs even more at the affronted face Even makes.

“You’ve been waiting for me to crack?”

“Took you long enough,” Isak answers back, and his voice is low and soft and he says so much more with those words than he should be able to.

Even smiles back. He can’t stop himself.

“Okay. You want to watch something funny instead?” Isak asks and Even nods immediately. He’s pretty sure that there wouldn’t be a thing right now that Isak could ask him that he wouldn’t say yes to.

“Okay, be prepared for awesomeness,” Isak says and finds something on his phone and Even relaxes back on the couch, completely confident that Isak is right this time.

_Ronal the Barbarian_ starts playing and Even spends the next 90 minutes laughing harder than he has in a long, long time.

Every time his eyes drift from the screen to look at Isak it seems like he’s more occupied with watching Even than the movie, and he has this small, fond smile on his face that Even has come to recognize as _his_ smile.

And that almost makes him just as giddy inside as the movie does.

\--||--

It’s warm enough to sit outside now and Even takes advantage of it. Sits on one of the chairs on their terrace in the sun, has a nice cup of tea in front of him and he’s really enjoying the day so far.

He feels good today, actually feels like he could accomplish something today and that feeling alone has lured him out into the sun.

Maybe today _will_ be a good day.

He hasn’t been there for long before Isak joins him, just sort of falls into one of the other chairs around the table on the terrace. Even looks at him and smiles, but Isak barely smiles back at him.

He’s agitated. He doesn’t look at Even, keeps bobbing his leg and it’s making Even squint at him.

“Is something wrong?” he asks and is completely surprised by the floodgates that apparently opens.

“Oh, so now we can talk about me?” Isak mutters and Even is stunned into silence by it. It grows between them, uncomfortable and tense and it makes Even want to run inside.

“Did I do something?” Because that’s the only thought that comes to mind right now for Even. Isak seems angry with him for some reason and Even just wants Isak to… stop.

“Not everything is about you, Even,” he spits out and it makes Even recoil a bit. “Sometimes things turn to shit and sometimes people don’t have the option of just staying home in bed all day.”

He looks at Even now, a look full of challenge and anger and Even is so taken aback that he can’t get his mouth to work. He’s desperately wracking his brain to find something to say, anything to make things between them better, to help Isak, when Isak just continues.

“Sometimes you have shitty parents and shitty circumstances, and everybody looks to you to somehow make things better when you’re only a fucking teenager who doesn’t have a clue, and sometimes you just want to run away from it all, but you can’t!” He gets up from the chair and Even can’t help but notice how rigid his body is, how tight he’s holding himself, jaw and fists clenched like he’s ready for a fight.

He’s radiating so many feelings that Even is left almost breathless from it, having been so barren himself for so long, but even though his first instinct is to run, he realizes he can’t.

He doesn’t want to leave Isak like this.

He slowly gets up from the chair, takes a step towards Isak with his hands up in trying to make himself as unthreatening as he possibly could be.

“Isak…” he starts, but falters when he notices how his step forward makes Isak take a responding step backwards, away from him. So he stops, stands there, tries to show him that he respects his boundaries, just like Isak’s respected his so many times by not moving closer. “You can talk to me, you know?”

They stand there like that for what seems like forever. With Isak breathing hard, flushed cheeks, clenched jaw looking away from him. Even standing there unassumingly, just staying still, waiting for Isak to make the first move even though all he wants to do is go to him.

It’s Isak who finally breaks the silence. “I’m just so goddamn tired. Tired of everything, of being who they want me to be, just… tired.” He finally looks at Even as he says the last word and it steals Even’s breath away.

“Do you want me to make you a blanket fort again?” he asks and feels so fucking stupid for asking, but it’s the only thing he can think off.

But that feeling evaporates immediately when Isak huffs amusedly, and the look in his eyes changes a bit with the stance of his body. It makes Even relax a bit as well.

“No, I don’t want a blanket fort,” he says in a low voice and he lowers his head and looks at Even through his eyelashes and it’s making Even flush. Makes him feel things stirring in him that he hasn’t felt in a long time.

He swallows hard at the sudden dryness in his throat and asks in a very low voice, almost a whisper, “What do you want?”

Isak doesn’t answer right away, looks at him, eyes flitting over his face and his throat and it almost feels like a caress, leaving small shivers behind on Even. He looks like he’s debating what to say, and Even is almost afraid of his answer. He knows that there’s so much he wants to give Isak, but so little he has to give right now.

It still feels like it’s too soon. Like their timing is never right.

But Isak’s eyes slowly start to soften with his stance, he lifts his chin and smiles that fond smile at Even and it makes Even relax as well. Makes him less afraid of what Isak wants to say.

“Can we just… sleep?” His cheeks flush as he says it like somehow that’s something to be ashamed of asking.

“Yeah. We can do that,” Even replies and smiles at him.

Even doesn’t quite understand why it feels so easy and natural to lead Isak into his room, into his bed, to curl himself around Isak like it’s something they normally do. Isak falls asleep in his arms in seconds, all the tension just bleeds out of him and his breathing turns steady and Even closes his eyes to the wave of affection that washes over him.

It feels good to give something back for once.

He doesn’t notice that he falls asleep himself. When he wakes up, his face is in Isak’s neck, breathing in his musky, good smell, with his body still curled around him. He feels so firm and real in his arms, so alive and Even has never felt more protective in his life. He wants to live in this moment, just stay here forever, warm and happy and at ease, and he can’t imagine ever wanting anything else than this.

It’s not a sudden realization, not a shock to his system. Just a slow trickle of thoughts coming together, settling something inside of him that he’s sure that he’s known for a while, just hasn’t wanted to realize.

Nothing like the movies he loves to watch where it’s always dramatic and loud and energetic.

He lies there with his body intertwined with Isak and feels so at home while his mind works through it. He lies there, smiling, heart beating just a little bit faster as he pulls Isak a little bit closer.

He’s in love with him.

\--||--

It doesn’t really change anything.

Not at first. Even is still not in a good place, not really in a place where he can commit to anything, and Isak seems to realize it.

But it makes Isak not shy away from the hard questions anymore, makes him break the silence occasionally as he’s doing his homework or watching a movie with Even, and Even always tries to be truthful even though it’s difficult sometimes.

Like when he suddenly looks up from his books, blinks like he’s trying to work through an idea and then just asks, “What about Sonja?”

Even looks at him, knows what Isak is really asking and answers as steadily as he can, “We broke up before…” He still can’t get himself to say it, to talk about it.

But Isak nods at him like he understands it, and a few minutes pass before he looks up again. Even is almost back to being completely absorbed by the book he’s reading so he almost startles when Isak starts to speak again.

“Your friends. Why aren’t they here?” he asks, sounding genuinely curious instead of nosy and this time it’s a bit harder for Even to answer.

“They…” he starts, but has to clear his throat before he can continue, a bit lost to how to explain it. “I can’t…” He hates that it’s so hard for him, hates that he can’t just tell Isak what he wants to know. But it still hurts so bad.

Isak’s face changes as Even struggles, turns fond and understanding and he says almost in a whisper, “You don’t have to say anything, Even. I understand that some things are hard to talk about.”

Fuck. It makes Even want to tell him everything, makes him want to put every little secret he’s ever had into word and make it pour from his mouth.

He doesn’t want to not be able to tell Isak things, but he can’t. He just can’t. Not yet at least.

Or like when Isak has been playing football in the garden with Jonas and comes over and sits by him out of breath and flushed and so gorgeous that Even almost can’t stand not touching him, so he does. He takes his hand and places them in his lap like it’s something they do, and Isak doesn’t look at him, but he looks genuinely happy about it with the way he’s smiling.

Even’s heart stutters and his stomach flutters and it’s good to feel alive again.

“What are you going to do after the summer holidays?” Isak asks and it takes Even by surprise all over again.

It’s a question he gets asked often these days. By their parents, by Jonas, even by the therapist he’s started seeing. And he hates it, it feels so intrusive, because he doesn’t _know_.  

It doesn’t feel quite as intrusive when Isak asks it, but that doesn’t mean he still has an answer ready for him, so he just shrugs instead.

It makes Isak look at him, makes his eyes roam his face, but the smile never disappears as he does.

“You should start at Nissen with us.” The way he says it makes Even think that Isak has been thinking about this for a while, that he probably has it all figured out, probably knows just what forms to fill in and who to call if Even where to say yes. He can’t help but smile. “No, but listen. You have to redo your third year anyway, right? And this way, you don’t have to go back to Bakka.”

He says it so casually, but it still hits Even right in the chest, floods him with guilt and hurt all over again and he can’t imagine it ever becoming something he can just casually mention like that.

But Isak looks at him with bright eyes and his blonde hair is curling from the sweat gathered on his forehead and he’s smiling at him and there’s nothing Even wouldn’t do to keep him looking at him like that.

“Maybe,” he ends up answering, fully expecting Isak to go on a rant about why he should, but Isak surprises him yet again by just squeezing his hand and widening his smile. It makes the maybe feel like more of a yes.

He finds himself disappearing in the way Isak looks at him, how it feels like those green eyes somehow manage to see what’s inside of him, what he doesn’t want to show anybody, but instead of making him afraid it makes him feel safe.

It’s a heady feeling to get from just looking into someone’s eyes.

It’s Jonas who breaks them out of it, throws the ball at Isak, hitting him in the shoulder as he says, “Stop hitting on my brother and come play ball with me.”

Even can’t help but laugh at how that makes Isak’s cheeks flush and he’s just so beautiful that Even almost can’t stand it.

“Fuck off,” Isak shouts at Jonas as he lets go of Even’s hand and gets up to go back to playing football with Jonas.

But Even can feel Isak’s eyes on him the rest of the afternoon, loves how he smiles every time Even looks up from his book to watch them because Isak is always looking back when he does.

It makes Even smile, too.

\--||--

A couple of days later Even is in Jonas’ room playing FIFA with him and it feels like nothing has changed. Jonas smack talks him just like he used to, tries to push him as he’s about to score a goal and generally is the annoying little brother he can be.

Even loves it.

In the middle of the game, without any preamble he just blurts it out, what’s been on his mind.

“Would you mind if I started at Nissen after the break?”

He’s played this conversation out in his head a couple of times before now, thinks he’s covered all the scenarios that question could result in, but Jonas’ reaction still manages to take him by surprise.

He throws his controller and throws his arms around Even.

“I think that’s an awesome idea,” he says happily, and Even feels how the tension bleeds out of his shoulders, how his body relaxes with it.

“Yeah?”

Jonas nods. “Yeah. I knew Isak would talk some sense into you.”

“Wait, what?” Even asks, surprised enough that he pulls away from Jonas.

Jonas doesn’t seem to understand his confusion, just continues talking. “He talked to me about it a while ago, wanted me to talk to you about it, but I told him that chances were better that you’d actually do it if it was him asking.”

Even frowns at him, isn’t quite sure what Jonas is saying.

“Nothing has happened between us,” he says, making Jonas laugh.

He looks at him with mirth, picks up the controller as he says, “Yet.” And then just restarts the game like they’re not really having a conversation that Even has been dreading to have.

Even hesitantly turns back to the game, mind running a mile a minute, so many things he wants to say and ask that it temporarily paralyzes him.

“Would you mind if it did?” he asks in a low voice after what feels like a long time, but Jonas replies like he was waiting for it.

“I love the both of you. And if being together makes you happy, then no. I don’t mind.” He doesn’t look away from the game as he says it, just keeps playing, kicking Even’s ass big time, because how is Even supposed to focus on that stupid game when his little brother is sitting there next to him being so awesome?

It’s not the first time that Even is very grateful that Jonas’ mom and his dad found each other, that he has a brother like Jonas in his life.

Although, he’s very close to reconsidering that when Jonas continues, “But just don’t let me see you two make out or touch each other and stuff. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that,” and he shoots Even a shit-eating grin that makes Even laugh and makes him feel like a carefree teenager again.

“Just you wait until I start at Nissen and tell everybody about what your mother used to call you.”

The shocked, indignant sound Jonas makes at that makes him laugh again and just like that, everything feels like it used to between them.

\--||--

Isak doesn’t leave Even’s mind after that.

It’s a constant chant, just always _Isak, Isak, Isak_. And Even wants to do something about it, he does. He’s just not sure how to. Although he’s been with other people in the breaks he’s had with Sonja, he’s never really had to make the first moves. And it’s clear that Isak is waiting for Even.

Even is waiting for Even.

He keeps thinking that there’ll be a sign when the time is right. Some kind of climax, where the music will swell up and the light will shine through the clouds and they’ll look at each other and just know that the time is right. That now is the perfect time to kiss.

But nothing ever happens.

And Even wishes he could be cool about it. But he has feelings for Isak, falls harder for him with each passing day and it’s making it so hard for him. Even doesn’t know how to be seductive, he’s not Isak. Although he’s had his share of one-night stands, at heart he’s really a serial monogamist, is pretty sure he’ll always be just that. He tends to get so overwhelmed with his feelings that he can’t be calm and collected, he accepted a long time ago that love turns him into a mess.

But Isak keeps waiting. And Even keeps waiting for a sign. And as they do, time passes.

By now, spring has turned into summer.

Even is ready to start at Nissen after the holiday is over, is ready to start his life again with new friends and a new school. He still hasn’t talked to his old friends, doesn’t quite know if he’ll ever have the courage to do so, but for now, it’s easier not to think about it.

He feels better. He looks better.

Time really does heal a lot of wounds. Realistically he knows that he’ll be bad again at some point, but right now, when he’s just feeling like himself again, like a teenager, it’s easy to forget that he’s different from everybody else. Like he doesn’t have that fucking tattoo on his forehead that the people closest to him still see when they look at him.

He spends most of the summer with Jonas and his friends. Just tags along and plays the cool older brother and buys them beer when they need him to. It’s good company, and he’s happy with them. It means that he knows someone when he starts at Nissen and it also has the added benefit of him spending time with Isak.

The more he gets to know Isak, the more he opens up to him, the easier it is to see past the pretty face and the green eyes and that smile of his and fall in love with not just that but all that is Isak.

He still hasn’t seen a side to Isak that doesn’t make his heart flutter. He’s seen Isak too drunk and puking on the sidewalk, he’s seen him playful and happy at the beach, he’s seen him in tears from watching a sad movie. It doesn’t matter. Even wants it all.

But every time he thinks the time is right, every time Isak is standing a bit too close, or every time his hand brushes against his, something always just happens. Somebody yells _hey_ , making them jump apart or Jonas hops on Isak’s back tearing him away from Even, and Even is growing frustrated.

He worries, worries that Isak will stop waiting and will grow tired of him instead. He hasn’t missed how Jonas looks at him, with mirth, nods in Isak’s direction and makes a rude gesture with his mouth that makes him flush every single time. It always makes Jonas laugh and makes Isak ask _what??_

Fucking younger brothers.

Nobody is surprised when Isak stays behind with Even on the blanket the next time they’re at the park. The sun is warm now, warm enough for them both to be in just t-shirts and shorts and Even tries not to look too much at all the skin Isak is showing. At the hair on his strong legs peeking out from under the shorts or how his hair is much blonder now that the sun has bleached it a bit. It’s getting too long, has started to curl around his ears and his neck and Even wants to reach out and touch it. It’s weird, he knows. But he honestly doesn’t think that there’s a part of Isak he doesn’t want to touch. And that thought makes him clear his throat.

Isak looks at him out of the corner of his eye. There’s so much tension between them now, so much they both want to say and do and it’s making it hard for Even to function around Isak.

He pretends that he’s still watching Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi play football, watches as they almost fall over each other as they try to tackle the ball from each other and he can’t help but laugh at the display. He hears Isak laugh as well and turns his head to see it, loves how Isak’s mouth dimples when he laughs.

As he does, he finds Isak looking at him too. The way his mouth curls, the stretch of his cupid’s bow, it’s enough to turn Even serious, to make his smile falter, but Isak’s stay where it is and he’s looking at him through half-lidded eyes and Even has to touch it, has to feel how real it is.

He lifts his hand and puts it on Isak’s cheek and brushes his thumb over those lips. He can’t look away from them, is completely mesmerized with how perfect they look, how soft they are under his thumb and then Isak nuzzles into his hand and purses his lips against Even’s thumb.

It’s like Even has been hit by lightning. All the hairs on his body stand up and his skin tingles and his dick is immediately half-hard.

And this is it. This is the sign he’s been waiting for. It’s almost as if he feels the music surrounding them, making the moment perfect. So he leans in, licks his lips as he looks into Isak’s eyes, just to see if he’s onboard with this and when he sees how dazed Isak looks, how he can’t look away from Even’s lips, how he’s starting to lean into Even too, he knows. He knows that this is it.

When their lips touch it’s like the rest of the world disappears around them. All that exists is the softness of Isak’s skin against his hand, the gentleness of his lips against his, the taste that explodes in his mouth as their tongues touch briefly. And then Isak makes this sound, this small whimper and Even is flooded with heat. He moves closer to Isak, puts his other arm around him, pulls him closer, and he swallows the sound that Isak makes.

He can’t help but deepen the kiss, needs to taste Isak again, needs to feel him against him. Isak responds beautifully. Kisses back just as eagerly, just as needy like he’s been waiting for this as well. Even’s senses are flooded with Isak, he’s everywhere, and Even just wants to lie down on top of him, feel his body move against his, hear what sounds he could coax out of him when he feels something small and wet hit him.

He barely registers it, but then it happens again and he pauses the kiss. When it happens again he pulls away from Isak just enough that he’s there for the ride when Isak opens his eyes and looks straight at him, pupils blown, gaze half-lidded, and Even is prepared to say fuck it and just dive back in. He looks so alluring, so captivating that Even manages to forget the distraction for a second before it happens again and he knows what it is.

He looks up just as the realization is hitting Isak and then the sky opens up. With no further warning it starts to rain hard and Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi come scrambling over, rushing to collect their things and the blanket and Isak and Even gets up to help. But as soon as Even is standing up, as soon as he sees Isak standing there blinking drops out of his lashes, hair already lying flat on his forehead, t-shirt starting to stick to his chest, he can’t move anymore. He just needs to get closer again.

So he puts his hand on Isak’s neck and pulls him in. Doesn’t care that they have an audience or that they should be finding shelter. This truly feels like something out of a movie and he has to have his kiss in the rain.

Isak comes willingly, beaming at Even like he knows what he’s thinking and it’s not so much a kiss as it’s their smiles touching. But it’s perfect, it’s just as it should be.

And it feels like _everything_.

They make it out of the rain, back to their bikes and the rain starts to slow down as they’re all riding home to Jonas’ and Even’s place. It’s the natural place to go, it’s where they’ve been hanging all summer and it’s what’s closest.

Even keeps his bike close to Isak, can’t stand to be too far from him now that something is finally happening and the way Isak keeps glancing at him, keeps smiling that half-smile is enough to keep his heart-rate dangerously high.

He’s hyper-alert of Isak’s presence next to him all the time, like his entire being is focused on that boy alone, and he can’t wait to get him alone.

When they reach the house and leave all their bikes in a mess outside the rain finally stops completely.

“That’s just typical,” Magnus mutters, looking like a drowned puppy.

They’re all soaking wet, dripping with it as they go inside. Even’s pretty sure that Jonas’ mom is going to have a fit with how much water they drag inside.

He’s hoping that he can pull Isak with him into his room, desperately wanting to be alone with him. He should feel cold from how wet he is, but he doesn’t. It feels like his skin is overheating just with the idea of getting Isak by himself.

And it’s definitely not helping when he looks at Isak and all he sees is how his clothes cling to him like a second skin, showing off his shoulders, his abs, his strong thighs. Even tries not to look, but he swears he sees the outline of Isak’s dick through his shorts. It’s enough to make Even’s skin feel even hotter.

But Jonas pulls Isak along with him, says, “I’m sure there are some of your clothes in my room you can change into,” and Even could _kill_ him. It looks like he’s not alone because Isak is shooting him an angry look but Jonas is already busy mustering Mahdi and Magnus into his room as well. Isak looks back at Even apologetically but follows Jonas down the hall.

It leaves Even standing alone in the hallway, dripping onto the floor, breathing hard. He’s so goddamn disappointed that he almost doesn’t know what to do with himself. Except to turn around and go to his room to change his own clothes.

\--||--

A few hours later, they’re all sitting around the tv in various states of alertness. Magnus and Jonas are sleeping and Mahdi looks like he’s close to doze off as well. The table is littered with pizza boxes and empty cans of soda and it seems the day and the full stomachs have caught up to the guys.

Even has never felt more awake in his life. He’s sitting next to Isak on the sofa and they’ve slowly been moving closer and closer to each other. Even’s entire side is now pressed against Isak and it’s making his entire body feel alive having him this close. His hand is on Isak’s thigh, much lower than he would want it to be, but Isak’s hand is right next to it and their pinkies are crossed. He’s acutely aware of that fact. Somehow it feels so intimate how close they are to holding hands.

His dick is hard in his shorts and he’s pretty sure that Isak’s is too with how tense he feels next to him.

Even isn’t really sure of what they’re even watching by now, he hasn’t paid attention to the tv for a while, too focused on Isak and all the places they’re touching. His entire body is poised, like it’s just waiting for something and he’s growing impatient, has too much energy trapped inside of him from being alert for so long and he doesn’t want it all to explode while he’s surrounded by all of Isak’s friends.

He wants to use all this restless energy with Isak. On Isak.

So he breaks the lazy silence and says, “I think I’m going to make some coffee.” And he turns to shoot Isak a look as he gets up.

Isak clears his throat, takes a look around the table at the guys and then tries to casually say, “Oh yeah, coffee sounds good,” and he’s so bad at lying that Even can’t help but smile. “I’ll help you.” And then he gets up to join Even.

On their way to the hallway, Mahdi turns to look at them over the edge of his lounge chair and say, “I could go for coffee as well. Will you make one for me?”

Isak looks at Even with wide eyes, like he’s sure Mahdi has caught them lying, but Even is a much better liar than Isak apparently because he just says, “Yeah, sure. Milk or sugar?” And Isak’s eyes turn even wider at that as he keeps looking at Even.

“Just black, please,” Mahdi says and turns back to the tv.

As they’re in the hallway Isak whispers, “Are we actually making coffee?” and he looks so disappointed that Even’s heart almost beats through his chest with how lovely Isak is.

“Fuck no,” Even smiles at him and takes his hand so he can pull him with him towards his room.

Isak’s responding chuckle makes the blood boil in his veins, along with the knowledge that he’s about to get him alone.

When Even closes the door behind him, he locks it before he turns to look at Isak. What he sees there takes his breath away. Isak’s eyes are half-lidded, his chest expanding fast with how hard he’s panting, his mouth is open. He’s just so fucking gorgeous to look at, Even almost can’t decide where to start.

He wants to throw him against the wall and just eat him up. He wants to hold his hand and lay him down on the bed and worship him. He wants to touch him everywhere, kiss him everywhere. He wants to feel his dick in his hand, in his mouth, in him, wants the same for himself.

There are too many things to choose from that it’s making choosing hard.

But then Isak take the decision out of his hands, takes a step forward and another one and then he crowds Even up against the door, cups his face with his hands and kisses him.

Even is lost to it immediately. He closes his eyes to it and just lets himself be overwhelmed with how perfect Isak lips feel against his. Melts against the door and it feels so good to let go. He doesn’t even realize he’s put his hands in Isak’s hair until he feels the soft curls against them.

Isak’s mouth is clever, making him open his mouth to it and the first touch of their tongues against each other makes Even moan, which makes Isak crowd closer, push him even more against the door and deepen the kiss.

The way Isak presses their bodies together makes his skin tingle and his breathing harder and he can’t help but pull Isak closer, he just wants to feel him everywhere. The sounds Isak makes as they’re kissing, as their tongues curl against each other, make it harder and harder for Even to stand still. He spreads his legs when Isak pushes his thigh against them, and then he has a thigh to grind against.

He moves against it immediately and the friction on his dick feels so good he can’t concentrate on the kiss anymore. He throws his head back, clenches his eyes shut at the feeling and moans.

“Fuck, Even,” he hears Isak mutter and he starts to roll his hips and it’s so good that Even almost can’t stand it.

He pushes at Isak, pushes him towards the bed and it’s the most rewarding thing to see Isak’s wide-eyed surprise turn into a seductive smirk as he realizes what Even is doing.

Before they get there, Even slides his hands under Isak’s shirt, pulls at it until Isak gets the idea and finishes taking it off himself. Even immediately turns to his own, flings it over his head in a flash and then starts on the button of his shorts. His eyes are fixed on Isak’s hands doing the same, watching intently how the button pops, how he pushes them over his hips and then he’s standing there in just his boxer briefs. It’s apparently one of Jonas’ pairs, one of those no-brand, organic cotton ones, and they look so fucking good on Isak that Even almost stops breathing.  

He can’t tear his eyes away from them, from the bulge of Isak’s hard dick. The sight makes him pause. But clearly, Isak is getting fed up with his undecidedness, because he starts pushing at Even’s shorts, muttering _off, off!_ until Even feels them sliding down his legs.

And then he just grabs Even and they fall over together into the bed.

Isak climbs on top of him immediately, just makes room for himself between Even’s legs and rolls his body against his in the most delicious way that makes Even start to sweat. All that skin against his is making him lose his mind, makes him put his hands on Isak. They’re constantly moving, never settling. He needs to feel Isak everywhere, needs to know how he feels all over. His hands leave goosebumps on Isak’s skin in their wake.

It’s perfect. The way Isak feels against him, how his body responds to him, the sounds he makes.

He needs more. He needs Isak to be closer, needs to feel more of Isak’s skin, so he slides his hands down Isak’s briefs, and completely loses focus on anything else but the two perfect handfuls he’s holding. He kneads Isak’s ass cheeks, feels the muscle shift under his palms and nothing has ever been better.

Except maybe how that makes Isak moan against his lips.

”I’ve waited so long for this,” Isak whispers against his lips, pulls back just long enough that he can say it.

Even desperately wants to say _me too_ , but his reply is swallowed by Isak’s clever mouth, by the tongue that curls against his and scrambles his mind.

It’s easy to let Isak take over like this, to just let him grind against him, slowly setting his body on fire with each roll of his body. It’s the best kind of loss of control, and he eagerly gives himself over to how it’s like Isak is everywhere at once.

How every nerve in his body is firing, making his skin tingle, how his nose is filled with Isak’s musky, rainy scent, all boy and clean sweat, how soft his skin feels and how strong his muscles feels under his hands. It’s just so easy to give himself over to it.

He’ll never get enough of this.

He spreads his legs more, desperate to feel Isak closer and puts his arms on Isak’s upper arms. It’s like a revelation feeling how Isak’s muscles work under his skin, how they bulge from keeping him over Even, helping his body roll on top of his and it punches a moan out of Even.

This is what he loves most about boys. How they’re hard in the places where girls are soft, the juxtaposition of soft skin over hard muscles. It gets to him every time. How they smell different and feel different.

He slides his hands up Isak’s arms, over his shoulders and touching them makes him want to break away from the kiss, just to look. They feel like they would be mouth-watering to look at, all that tension in them, makes the artist in him itch to immortalize them in some way.

But it’s easy to get distracted from that by the sounds Isak makes when Even’s fingers and hands glide over his skin, how Isak seems to stretch so he can lean into Even’s touch.

But Even’s a visual guy, always has been, and although he’s thoroughly enjoying kissing Isak, he needs to _see_. So he reluctantly pulls away from the kiss, made hard by how Isak chases his lips, but once he realizes that Even is pulling away he just slides down and starts kissing down the column of his throat instead.

It’s enough to distract Even again, enough to make him forget for a moment longer why he pulled away and he eagerly tilts his head to make more room for Isak. When Isak’s lips find a particularly sensitive spot, he moans and can’t help the full-body shiver.

“Shit,” Isak whispers against his neck, and it’s so clear that he’s losing it too, that he’s just as far gone as Even. With that, Even remembers why he’s not kissing him anymore.

“I need to see you, can I see you?” Even asks, and the words fall out of his mouth so fast that they’re barely intelligible. But somehow Isak manages. He always seems to manage when it comes to Even.

He nods against Even’s throat, curses again, and Even would smile at how easy they’re both being, but he can’t. He’s feeling too much right now, there’s just not room for more.

They help each other roll over until Even is on top of Isak and as soon as he is he wastes no time in getting him fully naked. Even gets up on his knees and starts pulling at Isak’s briefs. While Even is sliding them over his knees he looks up at Isak and almost stops breathing from how devastatingly beautiful Isak is lying there, looking back at him with those eyes that are telling him so much all at once. Like how much Isak is enjoying this, how turned on he is, how fucking into Even he is, and Even needs to get a move on.

He pulls the briefs over Isak’s feet, and then Isak is naked.

He’s lying on Even’s bed, spread out for Even to take and do with as he wants. Isak lies there, looks at Even with such tenderness and desire that Even swallows hard against his suddenly dry mouth.

Fuck. This boy will be the death of him. In the best way possible.

Even can’t stop looking. There on his knees next to Isak, he indulges in the view. Isak’s body is defined in all the right places, strong shoulders, tight abs, muscular thighs. He has a v-line from his hips leading down to his dick, which _oh_. Yeah, Even’s mouth floods as he looks at it, it’s so hard and big and perfect, leaning a bit to the left in a very interesting way, and he really wants to taste it. But he wants to taste all of Isak’s skin as well. He wants to make his nipples pebble against his lips, put his tongue in his navel, lick at the line where Isak’s thigh turn into hip. Fuck, there isn’t a centimeter of Isak he doesn’t want to put his hands and mouth on.

Isak makes a frustrated sound in his throat, getting desperate and Even diverts his eyes to Isak’s face. His blond hair is so curly from being caught in the rain and it’s spread out over the pillow around him, framing him, accenting the redness of his cheeks and his puffy lips. Even licks his lips at the thought that he did that. It’s his kisses that made them look so inviting and it’s almost hard to hold himself back, to not just dive in and lose himself in kissing Isak all over again.

Except Isak’s eyes pierce through him, and he must see something he likes, because as Even stares at him, he changes tactic. His pretty lips slowly widen into a grin and he puts his arms over his head, stretches his body, makes sure that his muscles stand out. He seems shameless as he puts on a show for Even, presenting himself to him.

He grabs hold of the headboard with both hands and he looks so delectable like this, just like something out of Even’s fantasies. As Even stares, he lifts his chin in challenge and says, “Are you just going to stare at me all day?”

Even wants to just dive in and take what Isak is offering to him. But Isak’s words ignite the playful side of him, makes him want to tease a bit.

“I don’t know. The view _is_ pretty good from here.”

And Isak’s smile widens at that like he enjoys how Even doesn’t just give in to him.

“For you maybe, but for me, there’s still the matter of you wearing those briefs.”

Even looks down, has almost forgotten that he’s still wearing underwear and he gets rid of it in record time.

Once he’s naked he’s done teasing for now so he lies down on top of Isak, just needs to feel all that skin against his again. And he kisses him. Makes it a good one, wet and full of tongue and lips and suction, loving how it leaves Isak panting under him as he pulls back.

He can’t figure out where to start because he wants it all. But he wants Isak to know that he wants more than just this. They haven’t really talked about what they’re doing yet, although this doesn’t really seem like the time to do that. There are almost too many options available to him, and it’s so tempting to just think about what to do now he has him here under him... Isak smiles at him. Clearly sees Even fighting a battle inside of him.

“Okay,” Even says, almost to himself. He makes his decision. “First, I’m going to blow your mind…”

“You’re already doing that,” Isak interrupts, and Even breaks out into a smile and his heart is beating too hard, and Jesus. He needs to get a move on now.

“Shh, I’m trying to be cheesy here.”

Isak laughs and the way his body moves as he does feels perfect against Even. “Okay, cheese away.”

Even takes a deep breath, holds it and looks at Isak like he’s waiting for him to interrupt him again. Isak demonstratively pushes his lips together, makings it obvious that he isn’t going to talk any more. So Even continues.

“…and then I’m going to cuddle you and kiss you some more and date the shit out of you. I’m going to be the best boyfriend you’ve ever had.”

“Oh yeah?” Isak’s playful reply is immediate. “Well, that’s an easy competition to win as I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”

“No?” Even asks. He exaggerates his raised eyebrows, trying to keep the mood light.

“No. But I guess I do now.” And although Isak’s voice is still playful Even can hear the tendrils of insecurity that lie beneath it, like it’s not so much a statement but a question. It makes Even go all soft inside.

“Yeah,” he whispers.

“Okay then,” Isak says, pulling Even down for another kiss.

This one is less of a kiss and more like two smiles pressed against each other. Even is so happy he could burst, loves how the timing finally feels right, how they’re both in this together.

It doesn’t take long for their smiles to die down and their kisses to turn hungry again.

Even is so goddamn hard and it feels like he’s been like that forever. His balls are aching and he’s eager to get a move on. He reluctantly moves on from Isak’s lips, kisses down his neck, his collarbones, his chest. Pauses at his nipples to lick at them, has to feel them against his tongue and the sound Isak makes at that is so goddamn rewarding he just wants to stay there. But he feels how Isak twitches against his stomach and he has to move on. So he kisses further down, doesn’t pause anymore until he’s sitting in front of Isak’s dick.

Isak whole body is shivering now. He lifts himself up on his elbows and looks down at Even with dazed eyes, mouth open. Even wants to figure out so badly what makes him close his eyes. So he slowly licks over Isak’s wet head, licks away the precum gathered there with wide strokes of his tongue, watches intently how Isak reacts to that.

He’s still looking, is biting his lip, eyes focused on Even’s mouth, and Even loves it. But he needs to know more.

He gathers some spit in his mouth and starts licking the sides of Isak’s dick, makes it wet and glistening, teases Isak as he knows that these licks feel good, but they’re not really _enough_.

Isak impatiently spreads his legs a bit, makes more room for Even and Even can’t wait anymore. Doesn’t really want to tease anymore, just wants to taste. So he does. He wraps his lips around Isak and makes sure that he’s looking into Isak’s eyes as he slowly sinks down on his dick, just takes it in further and further until yeah, that’s enough to make Isak’s arms give out. He falls back on the bed with closed eyes and a new kind of tension in his body.

“Even…” he moans and Even hums around his dick and pulls back so he can do it all over again.

It’s easy to feel how tense Isak’s body is like he’s holding himself back and Even wants him to let go, wants to make him lose control, so he does his very best to make him do just that. Takes him a bit further down his throat than he normally would, hums and swallows around him. Isak’s hands find his shoulders, grab them hard like he simultaneously wants to pull him closer and push him away.

Even loves keeping him on the brink like this.

Even lets go and licks down the side of Isak’s dick all the way to his balls. He gently takes them into his mouth, rolls them on his tongue. It makes Isak groan, makes him bury his hands in Even’s hair and pull. Even has no choice but to follow, reluctantly releases Isak’s balls from his mouth and looks up at Isak.

Isak looks wrecked, hair all over the place, sweating and beautiful and it’s only the hands in his hair that holds Even back.

“I don’t want to come already,” Isak says and starts pulling Even up towards him and Even sighs into the kiss.

He’s so on edge now, dripping with precum from having Isak’s dick in his mouth. He’s so close that his balls ache with it. Just a few grinds and he’ll come all over Isak. But Isak isn’t having it.

“Turn over,” he says and pushes at Even until he gets the idea.

Even hesitantly lies down on his stomach, lifts up on his elbows and turns his head so he can watch what Isak is doing. He is so curious as to what’s going on, admittedly kind of hoping for Isak to return the favor.

“Fuck, your ass,” Isak mutters and puts both hands on Even’s ass and starts kneading. It feels so good that Even’s arms give out and he lies down completely on the bed, can’t help but arch his back and push his hips up from the bed, push his ass up into Isak’s clever hands.

“One day soon, I’m going to fuck you so good. But I just can’t wait anymore,” and Isak’s voice is low and rough and Even moans at the idea of having Isak’s dick inside of him, fucking into him, making room inside of him. He wants it so bad, but he’s too goddamn close, too. He wouldn’t be able to wait to be prepped enough, would probably make Isak fuck him before he was ready to.

So waiting is a good choice.

“Where’s the lube?” Isak says and his hands are still working Even’s ass, getting closer and closer to Even’s hole with each grab and Even’s mind is almost too scrambled to understand what he’s saying.

It takes a couple of seconds of hard breathing, of blinking before it dawns on him what Isak is asking and he points to his bedside table.

“Drawer,” he mutters, and he doesn’t really care what Isak plans to do with that lube, as long as he’s going to do _something_.

Even lifts and turns his head when he hears the lid being opened, his curiosity winning out over his horniness and he watches intently as Isak lubes up his dick.

“Push your thighs together,” Isak says in that low, seductive voice, the one that shoots straight to Even’s dick and his head falls down into the pillow as he does.

He squeezes his legs together, knows now what Isak is planning to do and then Isak lies down on top of him and pushes his dick between his thighs.

Even pants at how good it feels to have Isak’s dick on his body, anywhere, and Isak immediately starts fucking into the space he creates between Even’s thighs, hard and frantic, pushing the head of his dick over Even’s perineum with every thrust and Even is lit on fire.

He hears himself make these stuttering noises as every wet glide over it makes his dick weep a bit more, makes him twitch. It’s almost painful now how he can’t touch himself to get off. He’s so fucking close, pushed further and further along as Isak rolls his entire body on top of him, their bodies sliding against each other from sweat. It’s so similar to how it would feel if Isak was fucking him that Even can’t see straight.

He just lies there, tries to get enough air into his lungs, arching his back and lifting his hips to make it easier for Isak, to make his dick go exactly where he wants it. He’s almost frantic from the need to come now, but he stays there, lets Isak use his body to get off. It’s a good feeling to finally be able to do that.

The more he lifts his hips the lower Isak’s dick gets and it starts bumping into the back of his balls with each thrust until Even can’t stand it anymore.

“I’m so close, Isak. I’m…” and he doesn’t get to finish what he was saying, because Isak boxes him in with his arms, hands on each side of Even’s body and starts slapping his hips against Even’s, clearly so very close to coming himself. Even opens his eyes to watch how Isak’s arm bulge with the strain of holding himself up like this. It’s fucking amazing.

And then Isak puts his arm around Even the best he can, slides it under his body. He pulls him close and puts his mouth on Even’s neck, and then he starts coming.

His orgasm is punctuated with sharp little digging jabs as he pushes himself deeper between Even’s thighs and as he starts letting out these small groaning whimpers, Even feels the warm wetness against his perineum and his balls, sliding down his dick onto the bed. It’s such a delicate feeling, Even is acutely aware of every drop sliding over him, setting his nerves on fire, making his dick weep and his balls pull up tight. He’s so fucking close that he can’t believe he hasn’t come already.

Isak is barely done coming, thrusts weakly into the space between Even’s thighs one more time and pants loudly in Even’s ear, but he seems to notice how fucking desperate Even is feeling by now. So he slides off Even, to the side and pushes at Even, so that his back is against Isak’s front, and then he finally puts his hand on Even’s dick.

It’s like heaven. In that moment, Even thinks, nothing has ever felt better than that hand. It’s so big and his dick is wet with Isak’s cum. It doesn’t take more than a couple of strokes before Even is moaning out his release, coming all over the bed and Isak’s hand, guided by Isak’s lips on his neck, his body against him and his arm around him.

Tendrils of pleasure shoot out from his dick, fills up his entire body with molten lava, out into every crevice of his body. He gives himself over to it, escapes his mind for the seconds his orgasm takes and he wants to stay there forever. Suspended in this moment, close to Isak, overtaken by ecstasy and that feeling of rightness that Isak leaves in him.

When the last rope of cum is pushed out of him, helped by Isak’s clever hand, he collapses back against Isak. He lies there uselessly, panting, eyes closed and mind blown at how well they fit together.

“We’re so doing that again,” Isak whispers into his ears and Even’s uselessness is replaced by amusement.

But he can’t find it in him to laugh, not now, not in this moment. He doesn’t want to taint what just happened between them, doesn’t want Isak to doubt whether he was just as into it as he was. So he scoots over so he’s lying on his side looking at Isak.

He’s never seen anybody look at him like that before. Like he’s the world, worth more than he could ever imagine being worth. It’s a heady feeling to be at the receiving end of a stare like that. He’s sure his own eyes are doing something along the lines of that as well, judging from how Isak’s face goes soft, how his eyes turn half-lidded and his lips stretch into a small, private smile.

“Yeah,” he finally replies.

He reaches out and touches Isak’s hair, slides his hand down until it’s on Isak’s neck and he can caress Isak’s cheek with his thumb.

He leans in to kiss him, a small, soft kiss, just lips against each other and the way that makes Isak sigh fills him with so much tenderness he’s afraid he might burst from it.

Isak looks more serious as he pulls back, just enough that they can look at each other.

“I thought you didn’t want to be with me,” he says in a low voice, emphasizing the importance of what he’s admitting.

“I did,” Even says, licking his lips. “I really did.” It’s important that Isak understands this and he struggles a bit with the next words. “But the timing was always wrong. There was always some good reason not to do anything about it, whether it was Jonas or Sonja or my… disorder. It was just easier to wait until everything settled.”

Isak snuffles into the pillow, looks at him with wide eyes and a small smile. Like he never really expected Even to be so honest with him.

“That sounds like the storyline of one of those pretentious piece-of-shit movies you love,” Isak tries, but looks away like he doesn’t actually think it’s funny.

Even smiles, but he feels how it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He just really needs Isak to understand this. That it was never really because of him. “Honestly, sometimes it felt like it was. But I think if it was, _is_ , this is more of a romantic movie, one of those with a happy ending, rather than a tragedy.”

“So you feel like this is just like something out of a movie?” Isak asks looking so pretty with his hair spread out on the pillow and his cheeks still flushed. The air is thick with tension and Even understands what Isak is asking. He wants to know if this is real, if Even is really in it.

And he is, Even has never wanted anything more than he wants Isak. In all the ways. Although he just came, after having Isak that close, he still feels like he wants to be closer. He wants to know everything that goes on in Isak’s head, wants to be a part of his life. Wants to laugh with him and hold his hand and spoon him as he falls asleep.

He wants to take care of him and to love him. And he wants so badly for Isak to love him in return. Take care of him as well.

So he looks Isak straight in the eyes, strokes his thumb one more time over that sharp cheekbone. “No, this is much better. Because this is where movies usually end but it doesn't feel like that. This feels like the beginning.”

And Isak's responding smile lights up his entire face, makes his eyes bright and his cheeks flush a bit more.

Even melts. Seeing Isak like this makes him so light he's afraid he might float away. But it’s alright. Because he’s pretty sure that Isak wouldn’t let him get too far. And Even knows that he could never have the imagination to imagine any other kind of beginning that could be better than this. But he doesn’t have to. Not anymore.

He has Isak now.

Alive and breathing, steady under his thumb, heart on his sleeve. And that beats any kind of made-up fantasy beginning that could ever be dreamed up by anybody.

Nothing will ever be as good as this anyway.

Nothing.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So I hope you guys enjoyed this “little” present from me to you. If you did, comments and kudos make me so, so happy. Especially on this day where I might(!) be a little bit nostalgic… ;)
> 
> Thank you so much to all of you for reading my things!!
> 
> I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon, so I hope you’ll continue to read. <3 <3 
> 
> As always, I’m [nofeartina](https://nofeartina.tumblr.com/) on tumblr if you want to come play with me. :)


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